This will be the best account of my recollection of the events from my perspective of this years montecito women's retreat.

I had intended to have everything gathered and finished by early in the week of the retreat, so that I could have Wednesday and Thursday to simply go to meetings and rest. I have learned that things don't always turn out the way I intend them to be. Around Wednesday night, when I still had a few last minute errands to run I realized I still hadn't packed. It hadn't crossed my mind at all that I would want things like clothes, towels, a bathing suit, tooth brush, etc for the weekend. That is when I realized this was the task left for Thursday. Luckily, this task does not take too long. However, if you know me a little you know that only doing one task is not in my nature. I somehow find several other things along the way that I choose to take care of the minute they pop into my brain. That having been said I somehow ended up staying up till about 2am or so. I still woke at my normal wake for work time to pack everything up get some clothes on and head out to Holly's where I would load my stuff, her stuff and the committee stuff into her car. On my way I tried to get a hold of her to ask her to make sure her car was cleaned out so I could load it right away, because I ended up leaving 1/2 hour late and we had planned on meeting the committee at 10am at Costco to do the shopping for the weekend. And we had the shopping list because Holly was kitchen chair this year, and I had printed it out for her(since she was lacking in a printer). If anyone knows Holly even a little you also know that she was not ready on time either. We did end up being a half hour late to Costco but got a bunch of stuff and had a lot more left to buy from else where than we normally do. Shirley had room in the back of her little SUV type vehicle and I bet her $20 I could get all 5 of our carts packed into her car. I lost :(. But I got all but about 1/2 a cart which fit in Holly's front seat, because she took off with Jan to go to Smart & Final to get the last of the things on the list. The rest of us caravanned up to the retreat and hit traffic and ended up being there at 1:30. This was alright. Harriet with Elaine had made it there before me and the guy at the retreat center started giving her the keys and everything against the direction of his bosses which stated only the coordinator was to get the keys and paperwork. He also did not take our payment right away, again against his instructions. (Okay my work day is done...I will write more later).

Having discovered that the keys and all the paperwork had been given to another committee member, I headed over to the Casa San Ysidro dorm where we were to be staying for the weekend, to help unload the groceries, and unload all the committee stuff from Holly's car. About half way through the unloading of the groceries Eileen notices a rolly cart that we can put stuff on to wheel into the kitchen. This was brilliant, as we had previously been hauling(the 10 feet) everything. Some people began arriving early and I had asked Eileen to be a "bouncer," and make sure no one was claiming beds prior to 3pm registration. A lot was going on as people were asking me questions and I was preparing the committee for registration and the welcome gift bags for the opening meeting. I was trusting Holly with kitchen and leaving that one be. My brain kept telling me the million things I wanted to prepare for and I kept trying to get it to focus on one task at a time. My favorite time was preparing welcome bags for everyone. It was time spent alone, with the rhythmic stuffing of the bags with various items. This is my favorite part of set up for the weekend. I was pleased to find the room set up almost exactly as I had envisioned it. One of the may tasks and communications I had with La Casa prior to our arrival was the filling out of many forms, including a room set-up diagram. This gave me much less to do upon our arrival. I had not realized how much work it was being chair of this particular retreat. I have been on the committee for several years now, and while there was always work to be done, I had no idea how much work the chair did. Holly asked me at the end of the weekend when we got back to town if I was willing to be in this position for the next 5 years. My response was I'll stay in it until they want to replace me(or until I move to New York, whichever comes first).

There was a lot of traffic that people kept hitting, and I received several texts and phone calls. There were a large chunk of first timer's who had many questions. Perhaps next year we will do the welcome meeting earlier...it is something to consider(and pause to add to suggestions list). I did not keep up with the texts very well trying to prepare for the weekend. At one point we realized we had not gotten everything we needed from the store, and thank goodness Kim, Melissa, and Lucretia were heading down because they were able to pick up some stuff for us. And there was one room incident that I had done my best to avoid from last year. I stood my ground and was given props from Shirley for doing something difficult. Of course, later when I realized where I had been wrong I apologized for my actions.

Holly began dinner prep at 4 and grabbed some people to help out. It worked out that dinner ended up being served almost right on time and the welcome meeting started only a few minutes late. I have yet to see a year when our activities start at the time scheduled. Dinner was delicious and there was only one veggie lasagna(and 3 meat), which was not enough veggie. I had been to the office at least twice to talk with the ladies at the office. They had originally planned on doing their welcome speech at 7 and I let them know they could come at 8 during our welcome meeting. They did. I remember their welcome meeting being more informative and interesting. Perhaps it is because I have heard it too many times. Our welcome meeting was it's usual blast. And then we gathered for pie and ice cream for dessert. I went to do something else because it was a long while before I ever made it to the dining hall for dessert. Some people headed off to bed, some outside to smoke and talk, and as usual a group of people broke out a game. Most of the faces in the group change, and the game changes every year but you can always count on CJ to be up playing all night! At some point I joined the game. It was a version of dominoes and I don't know what it's real name is but we ended up calling it Mexican Crazy Train Bandits. They had a game going which I joined into at which point I realized I had met Jackie G before. When I saw her I kept thinking to myself, "why does this women look so familiar?" As we were playing I realize Jan and I had met her when we had taken a trip north for San Louis Obispo's Day of the Dinosaurs. We had gone to dinner with her and her husband and she took us down gum alley. We laughed and marveled at this remembrance. We were up until 4 am playing this game, laughing and carrying on.

In the morning I was asked by a few people if I could let everyone know that sleeping rooms are for sleeping not talking and carrying on. I was saddened to hear this had happened. (pause to notate for next years opening meeting).

I set my alarm for 9:15 the next morning so that I could roll out of bed and give instructions for our first days activity, at which point I decided that is when I would eat breakfast and shower. I was awakened at 8:15 by the sounds and smells of bacon cooking and people enjoying breakfast and morning conversation. I got out of bed to eat breakfast and get ready. I decided since I would be swimming later not to shower until later and I could get dressed during the activity. I gave everyone instructions for the activity at which point Harriet gave me the money to take to the office. My intention was simply to walk down to the office to drop the money off. I began my walk with a group of people who were heading down to the peace garden the direction I was also heading. When we arrived at the peace garden I split off from them to continue walking to the office and ran into Poki, the cat who lives across from the peace garden and visits with everyone. I spoke with Poki for a bit until he was finished with me and visited with Ana and Carinsa. Melissa was looking for a place to overlook the running creek and I knew where it was so told her I would show her because I was headed in that direction, I would be stopping by the office first. I was able to drop her off before I hit the office and decided on the way out to go stop over at the meditation chapel for a bit. I walked in and took of my shoes and set down my stuff and noticed a pamphlet I had never noticed before it was on a centering prayer. It isn't a meditation, it's a prayer to center on your higher power. So I read the pamphlet and decided to try it. I figured I would know when it was time to go. Heide was sitting the chair I had lay down next to and I held on to her because I love her and I could. I'm not sure how long I had been centering for when I heard a cell phone vibrate. Heide heard it too, because we looked at each other and I decided to check every one's things and turn whoevers phone it was off. It turned out to be Heide's and she and Kim, who had been meditating as well, and I all decided that was our cue to leave.  As we were heading back to the dorm Kim turned right suddenly and after she did I noticed the energy emanating from the Mary statue I thought had caught her attention. It turns out one of the statue child's faces who was praying to Mary is what had caught her eye. We spent some time looking at Mary and the 3 children statues, taking some pictures. Kim and Heide sat on rocks in the middle of the praying group and I took panoramic pictures of the scene when I notice this bench and a lone plaque seemingly describing nothing that I had not remembered seeing in my many years there. I walked over to the plaque to discover it was a dream bench. I followed it's instructions, then we headed back to the dorm.

As we were heading back somehow we got to talking about the retreat possibly not being there next year. That it may be at this place in Malibu. Heide began talking about the center there, because she had been at a retreat there. She was talking about doing yoga on this overlook there, and Kim was telling us about this woman on her vision board doing yoga on an overlook. So I showed her the picture of the overlook at the Malibu center and Kim got goosebumps and stated, "We have to have a retreat there, not this retreat but a retreat." We got to talking about having a 3rd retreat every year and when we would do it. We decided on some dates and I said I would get in contact with the place on Monday and could we do it in a few months time if they have this year available? We decided we could. We did not get distracted by anything further on our walk back to the dorm and when I got there everyone was gathered in the dining hall where I proceeded with further instructions. Earlier when I had been doing my centering prayer the instructions state to center on a word that you feels connects you to your God within. So I choose mother from the list, this for me is my greatest source of love, good, and my higher self. When I instructed everyone to share their experience when they "felt" the urge to with someone over the course of the weekend people had questions. Anastasia was saying what if she had to cry, I, along with several others told her to cry, here is a safe place to do so. So she began sharing her story of her mother and their relationship and what was currently going on in their world. Not only did she cry, but there was not a single person in that room without tears in their eyes. For the next hour my favorite part of the whole weekend happened,  a spontaneous sharing on a subject that had us all in tears. Women sharing honestly about their relationships with their mothers, some had passed, some are struggling with addicted living relatives, and some just miss them for the weekend. The room thinned out around lunch time and the spontaneous meeting that had taken place, closed it self. Lunch itself was uneventful and free/pool time began at 1pm. I knew Holly and I would be making a trip to the store and we wanted to get in some pool time. We put on our suits and headed down with a couple people. I sun screened and waited 10 minutes or so to jump in. Toni Jo joined us at the pool and I asked her to do some water yoga "woga," she called it. It prompted others to join our impromptu woga class. Holly and I headed up to the dorm to shower and throw on clothes to head out to the store for ice and some last minute items for dinner. I kept pushing Holly to get going because it was going to take an hour to get to the store and get back. She insisted it was a quick trip(I was not mistaken). While at the store we ran into a bunch of people grabbing various things they had run out of or wanted.  We made it back in more than enough time for Holly to start dinner. As dinner was ending and dessert was being put out several of the committee and I went to the labyrinth to set out some tea lights for our next activity. Jan was supposed to be the one hosting this activity but she had to leave earlier that day because her weekend was double booked.

After dessert, make your own sundae's, had come to its end people began to gather. Jenice took over the place of Jan for the twilight tea light "sharing our spirit" activity, which was quite the cluster f***k. It worked out well and several people got exactly what they were supposed to. I enjoyed walking the labyrinth to set the tea lights up more than anything. I think next year I would really like to do something at dark with the entire path simply lit with lights on one side so you would know which way to go. Perhaps a committee run through would be in order for next year. We may do something entirely different. We will see.

After that we had a speaker meeting, where our speaker was a surprise speaker(the surprise being she didn't know it was her). Later when asked how we choose her to speak we told her the story: We put every one's name who was coming in a pile, threw all the pieces of paper on the floor and Holly's cat, Baloo aka Kitty meow meow jumped on one(because he loves to play with paper) and that was who we choose as our speaker. Tina shared with us that she loves cats and how ironic it was that a cat should choose her. We turned the meeting over to Jenice who led us in meditation...this leads me to a back story.

Back story: while on my summer adventure to New Mexico I participated in a woman's workshop hosted by the lovely Carmel. One of her pieces of the day was a guided imagery meditation where we go to our own sacred spot within. When I was doing this with her mine was a hidden spot amongst some palm trees along the ocean. Out front I have my hammock that sits tied between 2 palms beside my small round cottage. At that time back in 2010 it was my private spot and only one other person was allowed there and that was Ryan. For those who don't know, Ryan and I have recently had a falling out and are no longer together as friends or anything anymore. This process of grief of him not being in my life has been hellascious to say the least.

Jenice's meditation was a guided imagery to our sacred space. Somehow I ended up back here again. And when I got there it was empty of him for 2 reasons I had placed boundaries in my life and he didn't want to be there anymore. I found myself crying out loud. I tried not to but could not help but to do so. Kate was on one side of me and Sharmayne on the other and they both reached out to extend a loving hand toward me. As Jenice continued she asked us to invite our friends and family in their. This is so simple, and had never occurred to me. Right then I could see Ryan on some boat or raft far out in the ocean drifting away, and I let Jencie in and Holly and my mom and Kate and Sharmayne, and before you knew it everyone I knew was there and an image of some new person who caught my eye across the crowd and we did that across the room flirting thing. I know it was just the image of a healthy relationship that is in my future. When Jenice guided us to leave there, for the first time I closed and locked my door to my little hut by the sea. I had always left it open for Ryan to come rest, but he isn't welcome there anymore. I was worn out and ready for bed, but of course there was a group of "Mexican Crazy Train Bandits" all starting a game. I joined in. It was fun and ended at 1am. Most everyone went to bed at that point. A couple people had one last cigarette of the night and I went outside to sit and chat. Somehow we got talking about my Ryan story and all the acting out I had done behind the denial of my feelings. People drifted in as they got to tired, until eventually it was just me and Melissa talking. We ended up staying up until 4am(again). It was nice to talk like we were old friends again. We were close at point when I lived in Vegas and she first started managing Myrna's recovery home. It felt like old times. Once again I found myself up way too late. I may have reconsidered had I have been driving. I also figured on being home early enough to get a bunch of rest in the afternoon. As you can gather from the way the events of the rest of the weekend had been going, this was not the case.

I did not set my alarm this time because I was not doing the closing meeting. I was awoken by some faint murmurings and startled myself thinking I had missed breakfast and the closing meeting. It turns out I was up before breakfast and the faint murmurings were the few early risers and breakfast set up helpers. I lounged around and talked until I got hungry and fixed myself some breakfast. The closing meeting was good. I was able to do a short grounding meditation for people to take with them in their daily lives. And we ended right at 11am. It seems as though everyone was in a hurry to get home, and as a result the dorm was left in complete disarray for Holly and I to clean. Around 1:30, when we were nearing a completion point Christel, Courtney, and Jolene came in from their trip to the gift shop and the meditation chapel. They spoke of hunger and we pulled out some stuff for sandwiches for lunch and talked for about an hour when they got on the road. Holly and I finished putting up the roll aways in the closet, checking the drawers for loose left behind articles, picking up the trash and finally taking out the trash that was covered by scavenging ants. I took a wet paper towel to the walls and counters where the precession of ants was marching and cleaned up as much as I could. I packed up the car getting twice as much stuff to fit than we had previously come with. We headed down to the office to check out and tell them of the broken bench and ant attack and book for next year where I was instructed to call and speak with the director and reservation agent the next day.

Then Holly and I headed to the pool for one last swim, and for me to get the creepy crawly ant feeling off. We hung out in the pool and joked with the family that was there and heard the priestess' doing a drum circle, which one of the workers from the gift shop explained to us was them inducting someone into the priestesshood. This further spurned my curiosity of these intriguingly spiritual beings.

We headed out of town somewhere around 3:30/4ish only to hit tons of traffic, which for us was no big deal. Holly put on stand up comedy and asked for candy and I pulled out the bag of fruit to her delight that I had put in the front knowing she would want to snack on the way home. We ate fruit and seaweed and candy while stuck in traffic listening to stand up comedy. It was a pleasant drive back to reality, unfortunately I was exhausted and we still had a car full to unload at her house, and I would have my own car full to unload at mine.

The rest of the night took an increasingly long amount of drawn out time and I never layed down until 10:30pm. I did not get to sleep right when I layed down either. I wish now that I had taken Monday off as well to have had one day to rest my body. By now you may have inferred that this was not the case. By Tuesday night I was in extreme amounts of pain ready to break down and get a possibly scary prescription from the doctor. At the coaxing of a real good friend I made an appointment for a holistic healer instead, who can help me find the right combination of vitamins to help with the pain instead. I went directly home from work, half-consciously ate dinner and fell asleep around 8 without waking until my alarm went off the next morning. I would love to do that again!

At my counseling appointment on Wednesday I had a little mini-melt down not realizing I had hid in the busyness of the weekend and not really given myself a chance to pay attention to what was going on. My assignment for the next two weeks is self care.

This has been an account of events brought to you by Jessica's perspective.